The Occasional Cavorting and Musings of a Female Staffordshire Bull Terrier

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Dog Talk

I have a dog who barks all day,
And all he ever has to say
Is "Woof! Woof! Woof!" and "Bow-Wow-Wow!"
I wish my dog could talk somehow!

If he could talk, I'm sure he'd say,
"Woof, Woof! Have fun at school today!
I'll wait right here 'til you come home.
Bow-Wow! Then I won't be alone."
Author: Terry Kluymans

Hello, my friends.

I don’t know about you, but I wonder how long they will remain in denial.

Since the beginning of time, dogs have accompanied humans on life’s unpredictable journeys. Dogs have observed their fellow humans cautiously and witnessed their every waking move. Indeed, we have listened and learned, analyzed and assessed – cumulatively - for what seems like several thousands of years.

How is it, then, that humans have not reciprocated in this regard? How is it that, after all this time together, they still fail to recognize our superior capabilities?

What do I mean by all of this? Hey! Glad you asked.

Clearly, dogs can second guess the end result of any given situation. Take this following scenario as an example:

Cause: Human picks up telephone receiver and dials after sun goes down.

Effect: Dog immediately relocates to "den with TV" and lies next to couch.

Twenty minutes later: Fellow humans generously offer leftover pizza crust to said dog who is conveniently proximated with award winning “Hey…remember me?” face.

To our credit, a dog’s thinking patterns are exquisitely simplified without the excess of clutter stashed in all those hidden cranial compartments. This allows us to predict a situation before it occurs.

Basically, our thoughts utilize whole concepts, quite similar to the translation of symbolic hieroglyphics or Chinese character writing. Words never enter into our thought processes, that is, with the exception of the spoken human word which translates into singular concepts if recognized…. or an endless stream of unidentifiable sound bytes.

That said, you will never catch a dog talking to himself about where he left his bone, or rehashing an embarrassing circumstance that occurred with the mail carrier. But… how is it that I am able to wordsmith this posting? It's simple, really.

Dogs are skilled in the art of mimicry. Just as the viceroy mimics the monarch, dogs can mimic select abilities of the homo sapiens. In this case, it is the minicry of creating and interpreting language patterns to communicate on a basic fundamental level of understanding.

And so… where does barking enter the equation?

Down through history, humans have depended on dogs to protect them from their own kind. Dogs were encouraged to bark to frighten or warn of impending danger. They were expected to bark. Barking, not to be confused with howling, has become an invaluable trait of the loyal family watchdog. Social mores currently dictate that dogs, who demonstrate great skill in proper situational barking, earn recognition as coveted pets with enviable perks and pampered lifestyles. Hence, barking is a learned behavior that has been carried over from generation to generation, similar to Native American storytelling.

It should be noted, however, that monotony in a dog’s everyday life may provoke “boredom barking.” Barking due to boredom is purely done for a dog’s own amusement, and is brought about by the unchallenged level of intelligence I alluded to previously.


For a human child to wish that a dog talk is human self-gratifying, to say the least. The sad fact is that humans are forever trying to control their world and everything in it. From their limited egocentric viewpoint, it is far more comfortable for them to live in a world where human fantasy reigns and biodiversity is nonexistent. A world where cats wear hats ... and dogs can talk.

To that, I can only say, "Woof, woof, arf, and bow wow wow."


  • At 12:36 AM, Blogger Charlie said…

    - C

  • At 9:59 AM, Blogger Buster the Wired Fox Terror said…


  • At 11:04 PM, Blogger Fu Fu said…

    I'm still learning how to woof. I can squeak for now.

    ~ fufu

  • At 5:31 PM, Blogger Tigersan said…

    As they say here in Japan... "wan-wan" ;)

  • At 11:17 PM, Blogger Sid the Dog said…

    Indeed... I myself will take the infinite complexities of communicating through smells over the limited confines of speech. Besides, give the Great Oppressors a decade or two and they will communicate completely through texting and emoticons:)

  • At 3:59 AM, Blogger Tin Tin Blogdog said…

    Hee hee hee.

    It's all about control.

    We're in control but they haven't realised it yet. And yeah, all those centuries of us observing them has allowed us to know where they're going with some stupid activity or whatever...

    Sniffin' and telepathy are our specialities and most humans are definitely missing out there.

    At least they've an idea about our fabulousness, with books like Dogs who know when their owners are coming home etc.

    Duh. How long has it taken for that particular gem to make it into the realm of human consciousness?

    I can sniff a pizza before it's even delivered. I absolutely know when ma is intending to take me for a walk, even tho' it's a different time every day.

    I say let's not waste any more time analysing the humans. We've more productive philosophadogging to do.

    Sid's got a good point, soon they'll be texting and emoticon-ing and maybe that'll reduce the constant blah blah blah blah blah white noise that's always in the air...

    In the meantime, arf arf arf (yep I'd love a treat).

    Chow for now, luscious Lulu,

    Tin Tin xo

  • At 8:17 PM, Blogger Chelsea said…

    I don't know about that.
    I swear Mama growls when she's mad and barks at Papa when she wants him to do stuff around the house.

    Chelsea the supermodel


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