Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Monday, August 28, 2006
Smart IS Sexy!
Regardless of what the human media industry would have you believe, I'm here to tell you that smart IS sexy!
Actually, the two go paw in paw.
If I were not blessed with exceptional reading comprehension and writing skills, I’d probably be content to nibble fleas and chew on table legs. My literate background, however, enables me to derive great pleasure from reading high-quality literature that flutters the heart and stirs the soul.
Take this poignant piece by poet William Cowper, for instance:
OK, Tucker, you win.
My arm got tired of throwing the ball
before you got tired of scrambling up the river
bank to fetch it. OK, Tucker, you can come, too.
Since you open the door with your clever snout
I'm not about to shove you back in. You win
the beauty contest, the most finicky eater award,
and the like-a-dog-with-a-bone prize; you win
the first-one-in-the-car sweepstakes. Look,
Tucker, we had no choice when we squared off
in your adolescence, we had to get along, it was a live-
and-let-live situation, both of us in love with her.
OK, I bribed you with biscuits and rides;
you conned me with a handshake and a smile.
Remember hide-and-seek in the cornfield,
the jack-in-the pulpit, the lady slipper?
That week at the beach with smelly gulls
wrapped in slime and tangled lines of seaweed?
Old girl, you chased the phantom squirrel
up the slope again and again, returned
slack-jawed, refused to come off the porch,
stood your ground in freezing November rain,
showed your dog's teeth when I showed my human
fear and for good measure ran circles around me--
when I was her woman, but you were her dog.
As the wordsmith I tend to be, I find this poem profoundly romantic and downright affecting.
On the contrary, here's an obvious attempt at smut written by one such John Hegley:
I saw you in the park
I wanted to be your friend
I tunnelled my snout
Up your non-barking end
I do realize that Hegley’s work might be humorous to you male-types, but I would hope that you see it for the crass pick-up line that it is.
Shall we ask Sir Hegley if he has difficulty sustaining relations outside of mating season? We girls know the answer. The fiddle can’t compete with the Stradivarius. For us ladies, it is the deeper, richer, purer, authentic, impassioned, INTELLIGENT experience that will win us over everytime.
There's still fire in this old girl yet,
please remember to play it smart.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
An Open Letter to Ray and Jay
Dear Ray and Jay,
I am very flattered that my comment assisted you in choosing a leader for world domination by monkeys. I have concerns, however. You mention that we dogs should go light on the chocolate bars or, better yet, mail them all to you.
Forgive me if I stand incorrect, but does this mean that you, as world leader, would claim all things sinful for yourself?
I'm not so sure about this world domination thing. Pass the M&M's and let me sleep on it.
P.S. So ARE you a monkey or a cross-dressing canine?
The Dreaded Closet Monster
I can’t see it, I can’t hear it, but I know it waits.
Very soon, I suspect my human will carry it from its lair for one of those odd wrestling trysts on the rug.
The dreaded closet monster!
For the life of my doggie self, I cannot figure these episodes out. I’ve watched my human and this... this thing... locked in lethal combat: a flailing of coiled and twisted serpentine appendages... a relentless growling, nay... a snARling... that cannot be claimed by neither man nor beast.
The sight and sound of this loathsome creature compels me to save my human from what could be a most unthinkable, unimaginable fate worse than... well, death. For me, both outcomes have similar implications. I mean... who, then, would feed me? Who, then, would open the back door?
I wish my human understood this. She only seems to growl twice as loudly at this fiend whenever I try to protect her from it.
"BLAHBLAHLULU!!!" she yells (which is humanese for "STOPITLULU!!!") as she struggles to pull that repulsive segmented neck away from me. Little does she know that if I let go of this sucking mouthpart, she, meaning my human, will be sucked into oblivion. Forever, I think... and forever is a long time without doggie treats. THAT, dear friends, is a clearcut struggle betwixt good and not so good.
Hmm... sucked into oblivion. A mouth-watering thought just came to me.
Oh, Miss Kittttttttttttttttttttty....
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Is it live or is it Memorex?
I’ve told Miss Kitty she had better watch her step. These two imposters have the arresting good looks of Miss Kitty WITHOUT the attitude.
Their presence foretells that our humans could very soon see Miss Kitty as expendable as spoiled milk from a pampered cow. Of course... I thought it in Miss Kitty's best interest to warn her.
Strange... I can’t help feeling just a tad bit sorry for Miss Kitty...
Monday, August 21, 2006
Miss Kitty Jokes - by Lulu
Right where you left her!!
How do you raise a cat?
By its neck!!
What kind of cats don’t mew?
What has four legs and flies?
A dead cat!!
Why are cats luckier than frogs?
Frogs croak ALL the time!!
What says, “Mew Mew, catchmeifyoucan?”
A suicidal cat!!
What do you call your cat when he gets stuck in the dryer?
What has twelve legs, six ears, a foul odor, and one eye?
Three blind cats and half a rotten fish!!
What is small, furry, and smells like bacon?
Why did the human put the cat out?
It was on FIRE!!
According to latest research, we dogs can see in color but not in the way humans do. Unlike humans, dogs ONLY see two colors but it is still undecided as to which colors they are. It could be blue and yellow OR red and yellow... no one really knows for sure. What humans DO know for certain is that we dogs have less cones, or color vision cells, than humans, and hence the two colors rather than the full spectrum. So far, this sounds about right because I've never met a dog who can name the colors of all the crayolas in a box of 6.
Humans also know that dogs can see better in the dark than humans can because dogs have more rods, which detect low light.
So back to colors. Is it is blue and yellow OR red and yellow? If dogs can only see blue and yellow....we can't see brown, right? If dogs can only see red and yellow... we can't see brown, right?
A wise human once asked, "If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, does it make a sound?"
I ask you, dear friends: if the color brown does not exist, is there a guilty party?
Sunday, August 20, 2006
WRONG!! Think again, you silly humans!
Boy, does he EVER have you fooled.
This sly fox sleeps with both eyes open patiently waiting for unsuspecting humans to politely disappear so he can overturn that questionably dog-proofed garbage can. With the speed of a voracious predator, this clown rummages through trash before returning to his spot with that “Is it time to get up?” look on his face. Of course, fingers point at me everytime.
And THIS wily devil! A seller of snake oil! A furbag of fraud and deceit! This scheming con artist deserves an Oscar for his starring role as the poor ill-fated kitty, abused and rescued by new humans. His fur is a matted mess crammed with burrs and assorted unnatural debris. Do you think he would let anyone comb it? Not a chance… it might lower his sympathy barometer. It’s not enough that humans continuously bestow offerings of food upon this phony feline, but they also let him snooze on their bed at a most inappropriate alpha height level.
He works as a constant reminder that humans bear the shame and guilt of a thousand lifetimes. And…everyone knows… if humans aren’t happy, their dogs suffer.
Now this one… where do I begin?
Miss Kitty is a whiny little goody-two shoes princess that really gets my goat. I mean, just LOOK at her. I don’t trust her as far as I can fling her and that’s pretty far! Once, when I was a teensy weensy puppy, she TOLD me to chew up the antique chaise lounge foam mattress, which, I might add, was custom fitted. I gnawed a decent chunk from one of the corners as little pieces of foam covered the entire floor. Everywhere. Foam was everywhere.
I remember how this little shrew egged me on, heated by the excitement of it all. That’s when my human walked in and found me…only me… with the evidence. The cat had disappeared and I caught it good. Real good. I'm still waiting for that perfect day when Miss Kitty decides to take a swim in the pool... when no one's watching.
Ah. Now THIS is a true-blue friend.
Teddy never gets me in trouble. He is never mean. He never gets mad or jealous. Best of all, I know if I leave him on the floor in the den, he’ll be right there when I come back.
Thank you, Teddy, for being a friend I can trust.
I love you.
CORAL SPRINGS, FLA. — A woman was mauled by her 120-pound Presa Canario while she was trying to give it a bath, police said.
I'm not quite sure if there's a lesson in this, but it's pretty well understood that we dogs are skittish at bath time. Of course, fingers will be pointing at the BREED of dog as the cause of death.
Why is it acceptable for a cat to overreact if swiped with even so much as a slightly damp cloth? Humans are well aware of how vicious cats can be if wet. Humans can rightly predict loss of skin, bone, even possibly an eye, if they were to give kitty a bath. They know what to expect and STILL they find cats amiable and alluring creatures.
What humans don’t know is just how smart cats are. Cats have them thinking that they would NEVER roll in their own turds or walk through mud puddles. Thing is they are just never caught. Cheeky devils.
Poetry by Kaluah-lu
It’s oh, so small
With yellow fuzz
I like it cuzz
It’s my hobby
To make it slobby
Humans swipe it
And try to wipe it
What if I turned like a gloomy cloud overcasting thoughts of me in murky gray and raindrop blue soaked in sloppy wet kisses?
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Never Take Your Home For Granted
A bit(e) of advice, my friends. Never take your home for granted. Never. I mean NEVER. Just when you think you're safe in your warm snuggy doggie bed, undesirables can enter your home without warning and invade the sanctity of your habitat.
Imagine the shock of finding THIS on the wall in the very same room with your feeding dish:
Or… what if you suddenly found THESE nightmarish objects d’art glaring at you from inappropriate heights?
Or… what about THIS innocent-looking monstrosity newly hung in the bay window?
Or... HORRORS of horrors! Imagine THIS artistic failure standing sentinel in the front foyer?
See what I mean?
My friends, it’s fairly obvious. You've got to keep a watchful eye INSIDE the home as well as out. Living in the human home has its advantages, it's true, but a dog's security of mind is an ongoing struggle. I guess we dogs can agree that humans are a strange breed, but they can be very sweet… in a cerebrally complex sort of way. More importantly, THEY buy the food.
Of course, we should remember that - in the end - Lassie always comes home. Watch yours for invaders, my friends. Never take it for granted.
I have a limited vocabulary but I usually get the general idea, you know? Quite simply, there are sound bytes that are need-specific to us dogs. Take breakfast time, for instance. I hear the sounds that tell me it's coming. The squeak of the pantry door, the clash-crash of the utensil drawer, the whirr of the can opener. These are the sounds that tell me food is a sure thing. I hear and I know.
On another note, no one has to tell me to get the door. The doorbell rings and I'm immediately on the job to either greet friendly visitors or to discourage unwelcomed interlopers - like the ones with those little black books. I hear and I'm there.
So tell me... why is it that humans have to complicate matters by talking to us dogs all the time? I mean... take this general one-way conversation, for example:
Human to Dog: "Blah BLAH blah blah blahblah blah, Lulu. Blah blaaaaaaah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah. Blah blaaaaaaah blahblah BLAH!"
Now I ASK you... were all those blah's necessary? Couldn't my human simply have scratched my ear or maybe given me a bite of cheese? The way I understand it, humans make much too much noise for their own good. Talk is cheap, you know? Let's go for a walk or toss a ball, but pleeeeease stop talking.
Friday, August 18, 2006
My Once Handsome Prince
Yes… it WAS awhile since I HAD given you an update. It WAS a quiet summer up until that point when it was that I HAD posted this, and I HAD had some news. But..
is this my best side?
I HAD some news, you see. It seems I HAVE lost it as of August 29, 2006.
Sometime prior to this date, a dashing golden retriever from Canada had asked me for my paw in wedlock. Yes, I'll admit I HAD found it extremely flattering, considering my underbite and all. I was so delighted that this stranger HAD seen me for who I really am through my writings and not as a potential stat on the vicious dog ordinance list. As evidenced by the LOST url, my retriever apparently HAS gotten cold feet, as they say.
Goodbye, then, my handsome prince.
I regret to say you are but a buried bone in my field of dreams.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Wishy Washy Wednesday
Consider it said. Not ALL girls wanna be moms aaaaall the time. No one can find me at the moment and that's quite okay with me. I'm sort of keeping a low profile this morning. It's not easy when you wanna sleep and people think you need to get up and do something - anything - like scamper, bark, test the cat's dish. For now, I'm just lying low.
I've been thinking a lot last night. This pit-bull thing, ya know? It's kind of got me down. There's this article on the Internet, rather well written by the way, and it's downright scary. Especially for me, that is. Its message is to warn people about the DANGEROUS breed of pit-bulls. *SIGH*
I dunno. All I can say is I never, EVER would want to bite anyone. Anyone who knows me knows how hard it is for me to even be a house watchdog. They always laugh at me because I bark at noises while hiding in the basement. If there's something going on up there, THEY can deal with it first! I mean, the cats freaks me out and the dreaded "closet monster" (vacuum cleaner) terrifies me to the core!
I just don't know why people have to be so skittish around me if they don't know me. It's something I have to live with, I guess. Fortunately for me, my humans know enough to keep me safe at home, away from those stares and glares. But... it bothers me. Why is it that the UPS man AND the mailman AND the Fed-Ex guy AND just about the anyone-guy who visits a first time around has that "Don't get near me, you!" look of sheer panic? That's when I have to try extra-triple hard to be so cute and scamper about with my big red rubber bouncy ball. I even try to keep that slobber down to a minimum so they might find the idea inviting.
The other thing that REALLY bothers me are the humans who take one look at me and say things like "LOOK at that mouth!" Those are the ones who will try to lure me with a rope, a ball or... horrors! my baby!... and they try their darnedest to engage me in a tug-of-war contest. I will humor them, but the thing is... these humans will sometimes end the game abruptly and then they leave feeling even more skittish then before. I wish they would just toss a ball for me so I could show them how well I do the the fetch thang. It's all in the pleasing, sadly enough, and I can do it well, if treated like any other dog.
Well. That's it for now. It's a wishy-washy Wednesday and I'm taking ten.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Ah... The Life
Oh, good morning.
I don't know what it is, but I can't seem to get off this bed. It's true I had breakfast some time ago followed by a rather frisky frolic about the yard.
Thing is.. I've been sleeping for hours since I came back inside. I wonder why I'm feeling so tired lately. Maybe it's all the swimming and barking I did yesterday; I really don't know. It could be my diet, right? Let's see.... they call me a carnivore, I think. High protein. Stick a broccoli stalk in my face and I run for cover. But I LOVE cheeses... all different kinds, and breads, oh, yes! I absolutely can't resist bread, rolls, muffins, and any highly processed carbohydrate that is offered to me, but, these foods don't come my way as much as I'd like. Ice cream is a definite yum, but it's not really the best thing for my girlish figure. Also, I have to admit that dairy products make me visit the backyard more than I would otherwise have to.
Hmm... this would make me an omnivore, I think. A lactose intolerant omnivore. Omnivores can digest meat protein, veggies, and fruits. Maybe some greens would give me more energy. In any event, I guess I should get up and nose around a bit.
I simply HAVE to show you my nails! That 'poor me' face must have worked well because Jen took some time to fix me up.
Whattaya think? Maybe a toe ring?
Alright.... no comments. The house is relatively quiet today. Just a few more winks and I'm sure I'll be up and around in no time.
All that napping has made me frisky! It's finally time to get some exercise, and I have to tell you....I LOVE the pool! See that ball there? I rolllllllll it into the water from the edge with my nose, bark at it a few times, then dive in to get it. I'll do this for hours and hours with no human intervention.
Who said dogs are a nusiance? I'm relatively low maintenaince, as you can see, and I am just so very cute.
Monday, August 07, 2006
It's Me, Lulu!
Omigod, I broke a nail! Just kidding.... ha! Actually, I'm quite sad today. I waited all weekend for Jen to do my nails, but she had other things to do. Fine. Just fine. I HATE it when she ignores me like that. Maybe if I act real bored she'll notice me and do my nails today. I've got that 'poor nobody loves me' look down to a science. You have to know how to work it, baby.
Anyway, I have to say that it was unbelievably embarrassing when my veterinarian made an offensive comment about my nail color. Purple polish doesn’t go well with my blonde coat, he said.
Yeah, well fine, Doctor DoLittle-KnowAsMuch. YOU try swimming in a chlorinated pool all day.
All that diving and bleaching wreaks havoc on nail color. I find the darker the color, the better it stays. Anyway... it's looking so dark out there. I hope the weather changes so I can go for a dip.
I think I'll go lie down for awhile. I am so NOT going outside right now.
It wasn't ME, I swear!
It was HIM!
Did I tell you I'm cute?
Gaaaaaadup and play, already...
Here I am doing my most favorite thing in the entire world. Well.. one of my most favorite things. Just call me a water nymphette. Whee!
Whatta dive, by the way.
Yoo hooooooooo..... camera lady! Hurry up and snap already; I've almost made the ladder and I'm smiling so much it hurts!
All in all, it's been a good day. I got my ya ya's out and I'm ready to relax with the baby. I bet you can't tell which one is me, right?
I am just waaaaaaaay too cute, sometimes.
What... the ear?